There are many seasons of motherhood. It seems that with each age and stage, our kids introduce a new set of behaviors and the type of parenting they need from us evolves. To be a mom is to be nimble and adaptive.
I remember when Ruby was three and Ryan was two. We were living in a tiny little home (with no AC, I might add) in Los Angeles. Jeff had a demanding job that kept him at an office for long hours or flying around the world for meetings. I had the privilege of being home with the kids, though it didn’t always feel like a privilege at the time. The days were mostly scripted. We’d start out with a walk down the street in the double stroller. We had art time. We hung out on our tiny brick patio for hours, just to catch a breeze and get some fresh air. They rode around in those Little Tike cars wearing nothing but diapers. There were a lot of naps (not often for me), meltdowns, baths, and stories read while snuggled on the couch. There were a lot of precious moments packed into this season. With each new day the kids learned at a crazy rate- counting to 10, talking in sentences, trying new foods, learning how to pet the dog gently, etc. We made so many silly videos and took way too many pictures. I think back now on those days with a full heart and a smile. But if I’m honest, I also remember the days that were mostly hard. Teething, gas, fevers, tantrums. So many tantrums. I remember being so tired by the end of the day. People don’t often talk about this, but mothering small humans who need you physically whenever they are awake, while great at times, can be absolutely mind numbing! “Enjoy these days, they’ll pass so quickly,” they’d say with good intentions. It was infuriating to hear that sometimes, as I felt so guilty about the struggle. Suddenly, conversations with friends and family are geared around your kids. You may meet up with other mom friends and you brainstorm and share information about pediatricians, schools, picky eating, etc. When my husband was home, I was eager to pass the torch just as much as he was eager to unwind from work stress. No one was getting the well-deserved break they needed and we weren't often connecting beyond talking logistics. It was a full, joyous, magical and extremely stressful season! The theme that weaved into every facet though, was that the focus was on the kids. I lost touch with myself and all of the cool and unique things about my own personality, which I didn’t notice was happening at the time.
Now that my kids are nine and ten, the stages have changed dramatically. They have become quite independent. They dress themselves, shower themselves, organize and do their own homework. The parenting needs have shifted away from constant physical labor to emotional support and problem-solving assistance. This is a completely different skill set (yet another skill set that was not listed in the non-existent handbook given at the hospital when babies are born). While not physically exhausting, this stage is mentally and emotionally exhausting! My kids are individuating, which is the goal, but in that they need more alone time, time with friends and less interaction with mom and dad. When they come to you with a problem, you’d better be ready, as those moments can pass. The heavy burden on my heart seeing my kids get their feelings hurt at school is nothing short of devastating. There is pressure to be on and to have a great problem solving idea whenever your child needs your help. Kids at these ages “try on” different personalities and behaviors to see what works and what doesn’t. One day you feel like you know your kid completely and the next day they wake up acting like a different person and you’re left feeling whiplashed. But there is so much beauty in seeing the incremental growth and change that happens as they become more competent, confident and independent.
For me, it has been during this most recent phase where I have begun to turn a mirror to myself. As I’m needed less in a physical presence kind of way, I have felt a sense of pause. Life has been so incredibly hectic for the past ten years taking care of everyone’s immediate needs that I’m just realizing that I neglected myself for much of that time. I was there, I was paying attention, I was alive, yet my focus was so external to those around me. I kind of lost touch with myself and with who I am. Can you relate? It’s an odd feeling to get to a place where you have a chance to stop, breathe and realize that you are still there. My essence doesn’t feel like it has changed, but I need to get to know myself again. I need to recalibrate and start putting some things on my to-do list that are ABOUT ME. I’ll admit, it’s a bit foreign, but it also feels really good to know that I have bandwidth now to be a great mom and wife, but also be an ambitious, contributing member of society beyond the things I do in my home for my family. I liken it to waking up from a long hibernation super hungry to rediscover myself. If thinking about this is provoking that mom guilt in you, I get that. It’s hard to shift gears into a mentality where you feel like you have permission to take good care of yourself. But look at it this way - part of our parental responsibility is teaching (which isn’t just talking about, but rather showing) our kids how to take care of themselves - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. If we ignore ourselves or neglect our needs, what example does that set for them? This revelation felt like a midlife crisis to me, as I knew I needed to get off of my butt, lean into my gifts and passions and get back out into the world. It’s so exciting to be on the path of feeling like a balanced, whole woman again. And I think my entire family will benefit from having the more complete Dana/Mom around.
With love,
Dana
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