Most people pleasers come by it honestly. For people who grow up in dysfunctional homes, being passive and putting others' needs first may have been a survival skill. It could also be a result of temperament. If you're born with a slow-to-warm, cautious temperament you may be more likely to keep the peace, thus not always speaking your mind if it disagrees with another. Other pleasers may be genuinely laid back, with a very even-keeled disposition and don't mind going with the flow and letting others lead the charge.
People pleasing isn't always bad. Let's face it, sometimes we have to rise above in certain situations and bite our tongues or keep our truest feelings inside. The motivation behind the pleasing is what's important to understand.
My people-pleasing journey began when I was very young. Without sharing too much detail, I grew up in a house that wasn't always calm. There was pressure to be "good", which meant being quiet and not having a lot of needs. As long as I was low-maintenance, I fared pretty well. So, for me, being passive, agreeable and wearing a smile on my face as much as possible was in my best interest. I learned how to put the needs of others in front of my own. I also learned how to be an emotions detective. I am a 2 on the enneagram. I am also considered an empath. I can read people very quickly and assess for the the non-verbal cues to detect how they are feeling. Some may call that a superpower, but it gets tricky when the moods of everyone around you have a profound impact on your own mood. It's hard for me not to internalize the feelings of others.
Fast forward to the adult years. As an adult, there are so many situations when your input is not only expected, but valued. However, it is very difficult for a person who has grown up using a certain survival skill like pleasing to turn that off. What's more is that it can be difficult to identify your own emotions or to understand how you feel in certain situations. You may be confused about your preferences - what you'd like to eat for dinner, where you'd like to go on vacation, or it could be as extreme as struggling to know what you'd like to do for a career. When you spend your life under the rule of others' opinions, thoughts and emotions, it can be very hard to identify and sometimes scary to acknowledge your own. People pleasing can be a natural way to respond to that uncertainty. or those uncomfortable feelings.
In my own journey, I have worked hard to understand the psychology behind this as a way to help myself heal. Along that path, I have discovered myself more. I have more opinions, I am better able to recognize my preferences and I have dipped my foot into being able to assert those things. I won't go so far to say that I am great at it. As an adult, to others my current behavior probably reads more diplomatic than it does acting like a door mat. Progress!
This blog title refers to the martyr complex, which many people pleasers (including myself) have struggled with. When you are used to saying yes to everything, some might see you as a person who is selfless, pure-intentioned, and kind-hearted. And they'd be right....... some of the time. You see, people pleasers are used to making those around them happy. So, they'd often sacrifice stating their truth for seeing another person smile. The bad part about this is that resentment can build. The person on the other side of this doesn't even know it's happening. I've seen this kind of dynamic creep up a lot in people's marriages. The people pleaser gets used to taking care of the other person and doesn't always know how to ask to be taken care of. Resentment can build over time, as the pleaser feels neglected but the partner has absolutely no idea. This can easily carry into friendships too.
My advice to those struggling with people pleasing is to start small. Set a goal to say no to something at least once a day for a week, and gradually increase that. While it may feel very uncomfortable at first, over time it can be empowering and may encourage you to do it more. The big picture is that by doing this, you are establishing healthier boundaries around your time and your own needs. Study the reactions of people around you when you say "no". It will be interesting to see that some people may not blink an eye (because we do live in a world where it's completely normal to say no sometimes!). Others may not receive your changes well. There may even be people in your life who begin to put distance between you as you get healthier and draw more and more boundaries. Those are the people that were attracted to you for the wrong reasons and you were likely serving a purpose for them in all of your "yes" behavior. Remind yourself that your life can be more full if you're surrounding yourself with people who have an authentic interest in you, and not just in the ways you can serve them. This takes courage, but I can tell you from experience, the payoff is well worth it.
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