Just this week I was reminded about how parenting challenges can come in massive waves. My husband has been out of town a lot lately for work. Our family has a new puppy that is biting and chewing everything in sight, while our older dog has been suffering with an ear infection and my son is home with the flu. Meanwhile, the kids have had several major school projects to complete and big tests to study for. Halloween costumes need to be made. There are multiple school fundraisers happening and we have two or three birthday parties this weekend. It seems comical to think that in between all of this I am also trying to manage my job! I may be describing what feels pretty typical to you. A busy, active household requires a particular type of dance in order to make everything happen in a way where those living in it don’t feel a constant sense of stress. At the end of these busy days, we want to ensure that we don’t miss the point. We want to show up in a way that reflects the love we feel in our hearts for our kids.
Whether you are married, single-parenting, co-parenting with an ex or raising your child with extended family, it is likely that your schedule is very full. How do we as parents make sure that we are prioritizing the time that we do get to spend with our children? How do we wash off the stress of our days and engage with our kids in a fully present state? There are some guidelines that we should consider when choosing our activities and behavior.
Spending at least some quality time with our kids each day is essential for building strong connections with our kids. Even if it isn’t for long, being physically present demonstrates to our kids that they are important to us. How can we make that time feel intentional? We should put our phones down, turn the TV off and have a conversation or engage in an activity that your child will enjoy. The small moments matter.
Put on your listening ears! Kids often hear us talking - on the phone, giving instructions, talking to our spouse, etc. What helps kids feel seen and heard is to have a parent hear what they have to say. Asking questions is a great way to discover who your kid is, what they think, and how they feel. There are great card decks available to help initiate family discussions, should you need a little help. Kids love talking through their problems and part of our job is to allow them to develop their own problem-solving skills. Try to resist the urge to dole out advice all the time - many times they just want you to listen and know that you care about what’s happening in their lives.
Find a way to articulate clear expectations and hold to them. As a member of the family or a “teammate”, kids should have some age-appropriate expectations for contributing to the house. You can get creative, but putting these expectations on paper and hanging it in a visible spot can be helpful. Allow your children input about what they would like or be interested in doing. Be sure to enforce the expectations and not be deterred by the occasional whining or complaining. When the plan is created together as a family, there is much more buy-in from the kids and they are less likely to complain about what they agreed to do.
Resist the farce about money being able to buy love or serve as a substitution for time. Help your children develop a sense of value and reality about money. You might encourage them to work for or save up for things that they desire. This will become an increasingly important life skill as they grow up.
Kids crave and thrive off of consistency. Having stable child care is key in helping your child to feel safe. Do your best to ensure that whoever is caring for your child is positive and check in with your child regularly to ensure that they feel comfortable. Similarly, kids should be supervised. Danger often lurks when young children are left to their own devices. This is particularly important when we think about screens - phones, ipads, social media. Invest the time to learn about ways that you can add protection to your children’s accounts.
The five to one ratio is important with our kids and by that I mean that for every negative message/ criticism we give to our child, we need to send five positive messages. This may seem daunting, but remember that our kids are forming their senses of self from a very young age. They need to know that we notice the good things they do. Be specific with praise. Commenting on their attributes, efforts or particular actions is much more effective than empty praise. Get into the habit of noticing and pointing out the good!
Check yourself before disciplining your child. Grown ups need time outs as much as kids do. Avoid the scenario where you are trying to correct your child when you are in a highly agitated state. Step outside, drink some water, or remove yourself briefly to take some deep breaths so that you can calmly navigate those conversations.
Remember that we are modeling many behaviors to our children. If you are married or in a relationship, have awareness around what type of relationship you are showing your child. Many of us grow up and repeat the relationship dynamics that we observe as children. Make sure you’re doing your best to model love, open communication, confronting conflict and resolving problems, asking for and offering forgiveness.
Lastly, remember to take good care of yourself. This looks different for everyone but eating a healthy diet, getting plenty of sleep and exercise are all ways to help your body deal with life stress. Make time to be with friends, take a bath, get a massage - be sure to add in some little moments of “me time” when possible.
If you’ve taken the time to read this, you are likely doing a great job as a parent! This job is both the most rewarding and the hardest job on the planet and none of us are perfect. There are many ways to be a great parent and each child needs something slightly different. Be kind to yourself and ALWAYS reach out for support when you need it.
With love,
Dana
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